~...I...I hate her...~

--- Her mind fluttered in and out between her thoughts and the man before her. No matter how hard she tried it was hard to focus completely. She was a whirlwind of emotions. So completely unlike her. She didn't think someone could break her again. Hell she didn't think she was breakable the first time. And that was a problem when one thought themselves virtually untouchable - once they were touched they had a hard time fathoming how. How did they let themselves reach that point? It took her time to crawl out of that hole long ago and even then she never felt like she was completely free from it. Maybe that was part of the reason she agreed to go off in space. For once in her life she would technically truly be the furthest away from it - from him. She'd never openly admit it - which was a pattern of hers - but she always had the slight anxiety of Maverick resurfacing and throwing her whole progress off track. She wasn't completely cured from his doings but she had made it so far still. Managed to curb a lot of his wiring just enough to make due - yet the appetite was still hard to control in totality. The cage fights helped a bit. The drinking was a poison of choice that was a hit or miss or only added to the thirst. It was a lot to explain she didn't think anyone would understand. Outside of maybe Saul and Orion who tried so hard to help her through it.

~...Why?...~

--- There was a USB and an SD card delivered to her sometime back from Maverick that she never bothered to truly look at. If it was from him she already knew what was on there. A reminder. A big reminder. Honestly she didn't know why she didn't destroy it. But would it really matter? Obviously it wasn't the only copy. She was hating herself for thinking about that now. But that message from her mother opened the floodgates. Mere words weren't going to bring her any comfort, not with the storm that was brewing within. She doubted words would ever help at all at this point. She was grasping so hard to pull herself out of the abyss she was falling into even Austin would feel it physically when her nails dug a little into his back. Her body moved more on impulse when she lifted her up. Her legs found refuge wrapping around his waist. She let him take the lead without a fight. Her arms moved from his back to around his neck, unyielding in sharing his lips.

--- When he broke the kiss, she wished he hadn't. She felt his forehead touch hers and she knew he was looking into her eyes. She didn't want to open them. She didn't want to stare into his hazels. She heart was pondering she didn't know how he didn't hear it. Her breathes were increased for more than one reason. Somewhere she found the means to open her eyes and caught his stare. Her brows furrowed a little but suddenly settled and her eyes soften. That was a first. No one ever got her to look like that outside of Amara. Without words he told her something maybe she needed to hear, but was it truly enough? For now maybe it was. Impulsively her head tilted to the side as he kissed at her neck. He would feel her legs wrap tighter around him, and a hand at the back of his head. Her head tilted down a bit to let her lips work at his neck. Her body tensed and relax in constant repetition. She was drowning on two fronts, yet he was keeping her a float. 

"..Don't...let go."

--- Subconsciously those words slipped from her lips in a breathless whisper in his ear. It was in the heat of the moment and it was doubtful she would remember or concede to saying it. Didn't mean she didn't mean it. Maybe she didn't mind drowning in him.

--- He would be correct in thinking she wasn't the type to say such a thing. But she was overwhelmed so whatever was deeply in was slightly pouring out. To her in an intimate setting such as this pain was pleasure, she unfortunately had been conditioned that way. Feeling his nails graze her skin caused her to bite down on her lower lip till he pulled away and spoke. In her haze they were comforting, but what did both of their words entail? Cereza was never good at relationships. Austin probably had more than her truthfully. The girl she seemed wasn't exactly true. She wasn't that promiscuous. Hadn't had many partners - at least willingly speaking. That was another matter - one attached to her scars. As far as actual relationships with titles involved, she couldn't say she had the pleasure of knowing it. She was a broken mess of a person for such pleasantries. But wasn't everyone just broken people trying to find the other pieces that fit right with theirs? Passionately her lips found his again, as their breathing mixed together and his hands found her bottoms fabric.

----She may smile, but don't let that fool you. Look into her eyes, she's breaking inside---- 

--- Time was a matter of relativity. A minute could see like an hour, an hour could seem like a minute. However much passed wasn't on her mind. She didn't care about much at the present moment. Her breathing matched his in pace as she laid with him. It wasn't like the time before this time she remained close, in fact she was practically wrapped around him. Her right arm was slung over his torso, grasping onto the other side of him. Her leg was entangled with his own as she was pressed up against him. Being flesh to flesh he would still be able to feel the scar between her thigh and the etching of the 'M' at her pelvic line against his own skin. Her head rested on his chest and shoulder with her forehead touching into his neck. Guess she really meant 'don't let go'. She too felt the stings of his markings left behind, but compared to her tortured thoughts they were nothing so they went mostly ignored.

--- There was a silence that fell between them. The only thing was the sound of their breaths. Could she tell him? Sure she could, that wasn't the real question. Would she tell him was the real question. She was so secretive. She never wanted people to see her vulnerable. She hated feeling weak. Especially in front of those that meant something to her. Oddly she didn't even realize how much she must've valued his opinion of her. Occasionally her fingers would trace his skin on the side she held him at, just absentmindedly. What was there to be said now? A lot truthfully. After a few moments she lifted her head up, a few strains falling in her face as she turned to look at him. Her face hovering over his, though she still remained holding him. Gray's stared into his hazels, before leaning in and kissing him gently. Pulling away just slightly she remained face to face with him. Wordless. It felt so different, she didn't know what to think or feel. She didn't think it'd be like this. Well she didn't think she'd received a cruel message as she did to flip everything going forward. Aside from that, what was this now? Did even realize her eyes were giving herself away? Her entire body language at that. The way she held him, the way she kissed him it said a lot. But she didn't know how to break the ice now, and she was never one to be at a lost for words. If he asked about the phone call it was doubtful he'd get an answer. If he asked about the scars that was still up in the air, but maybe more possible to talk about even in mild terms rather than what she just received. Why did she have to make things so complicated?

--- Cereza never felt so tired or rather it had been a long time since she felt this level of exhaustion. It was physically but mentally, emotionally she was spent.The shit storm that was going through her head during their intimacy was taxing. She didn't mean to have her mind split like that but it was unavoidable. True he was supposed to provide her with a distraction from it, but it was the fuel that pushed her aggression in their shared moment. Because the dam that held everything back broke open so violently she found it difficult to deal with it at the time. Had she been alone there was no true telling what she would've done. The amount of anger that boiled up inside was reaching toxic levels and she sought salvage. Had it not been for Austin's voice she might've slipped further into herself, cause she was a lost mess. Chaos had been wrecking havoc on her inwardly. Knowing he was there granted her some pull out of herself enough to seek refuge with him. It helped, and helped more that it was someone like him. A stranger would've never worked. Truthfully a stranger wouldn't have even gotten to share the intimacy, she would've long stormed out the room. Maybe Austin was special indeed, and if she ever truly let herself think about it - let it sink in the possibility - she might scare her own self off. Especially now with what she lost. Then again maybe in some small capacity she'd find a way to accept it?

--- Genuinely she really never did look at anyone the way she did him right now. Her walls were down. Unprotected. Her armor was just scattered pieces across her body. Cereza didn't realize how long she held the gaze until he finally broke the silence and even then she just looked at him. His words struck a chord within. Why did he have to be so kind to her, so good to her? So understanding? He wouldn't push to know which was refreshing, yet maybe she needed a small push. But his decision to not was part of what she liked about him. He didn't try to force her like others attempted to. He didn't try to claim dominance or control her. Her mouth gaped just a little like she wanted to say something but fell short. When his hand brushed back some of her hair, her eyes closed to the soft touch. So was this what it really felt like? A sincere intimate moment? If it was, it was foreign territory and she was unprepared. Her mind and body were slightly at his mercy for she didn't have the firmest grasp on herself and just lived in the moment with him.

--- She caught his smile but couldn't form one of her own just yet. Enraptured in his eyes she allowed him to shift their position so they faced one another. Her leg untangled from his so he could situate himself better, while her hand rested on his side. His own trailed her skin and with the sensitivity it tingled through her. Her eyes closed again enjoying his touch till he stopped near her tattoo inquiring about it. She reopened them to see him slid down a bit and place a kiss opposite the music notes. Now she was ticklish, so the sensation was mixed. Her stomach caved in a little and she managed a small smirk with what sounded like a stifled snicker. She didn't have a big answer for his inquiry, her other two tattoos -the one on her wrist and the dreamcatcher on her back- had more a meaning behind it. He was dangerously close to the 'M' that was etched onto her pelvic line too. However just a little ways next to the music notes as a scar from a stab wound. If she was thinking more clearer she would've been surprised he didn't ask about that. Speaking of music, throughout their escapade her phone had been playing randomized selections in the background. But somewhere between him shifting and asking it had the nerve to select a song that hit close but she wasn't really listening well anyways. Cereza's body was on auto pilot as she found her right hand -which had the ourobrous tat on the wrist - reaching towards his hair and running her fingers through it. Stroking melodically, absentmindedly.

"..Believe it or not, it's as simple as I just really like music."

--- Finally she spoke but her tone was different. It was soft almost innocent. It didn't have any bravado behind it. No tough girl facade. She took her time to speak. So was this real pillow talk? 

"I play the violin, piano and guitar."

--- Well there you go there was something he didn't know and she willingly gave. No big deal right? Oh but she didn't disclose the fact she sung too. No need to risk getting pulled into a karaoke session. The way her head was tilted down, looking at him from half buried into the pillow it might've came off kinda cute. Her eyes were a little low a mixture of the exhaustion and the softening in her gaze. It was all in all contrasting to what had became her norm. Maybe small talk wasn't so bad.

"You? The phoenix?"

**Note there is a trigger warning for later in this post**

"..I'd surprise you..."

--- It was barely a whisper in between him saying he hadn't pegged her for a musician. Not surprising she didn't come off as the type, maybe just maybe the piano but the violin she could see as a stretch to some - possibly even the guitar. But as she told him even before she'd probably surprise him with what he didn't know about her. As he shifted to rest his head on her stomach, she shifted to lay slightly on her back granting him more comfort. She wasn't used to this level of affection but her body flowed with it either way. She didn't know if he ever noticed before this time that her body often tensed at being touched including during the act. It had a tendency to contract and release, but presently for once she was calm entirely. Relaxed and more welcoming to the comfort. It was new and a bit alarming for she didn't think it was possible to feel that sensation. Most wouldn't get it unless they experienced what she had. Most probably took it for granted because it was a norm to them - but to her it wasn't. Listening to him speak of childlike days she understood the sentiment to a degree. Her childhood was alright to a point. But there was always a point where just for a little while there was nothing to worry about. Wishes and dreams were as abundant as one imagination. It was why she was so protective over Amara and her innocence. She didn't want her to be tainted like herself. 

--- His groan told her she hit a sore spot with asking about the tattoo. She wasn't so sure what else to ask about given the situation. Odd though as she was never a lost for words; for conversation. Her thought was reaffirmed by his words calling it a 'mistake'. Though he continued even in her state of lowered of perception she could tell he was leaving plenty out. She hit a little too close didn't she? Unknowingly she paused in stroking his hair and ran the back of her hand down the side of his face almost in a reassuring manner before going back to stroking his hair. What was she doing? She didn't even know. But something about it, about all of it didn't exactly feel wrong. It felt... right. Like something clicked in some form or another. If she was the Cereza before this moment she might not have let him go so easily with that. She had a knack for purposely poking the bear when she really shouldn't. It was a bad habit of hers. Almost a defense mechanism. It was also a good way to push people away. But speaking of armors, seemed like his split just enough there. They were already bare literally, so barring a little skin figuratively was more than possible.

--- Cereza felt exactly where his fingers were tracing and closed her eyes not only to his touch but to the question she knew was bound to follow. Once upon a time he asked her about the ones on her thighs. When they first met. Maybe he didn't remember entirely their first meeting but he had met the man who had given her those scars, that 'M', the stab wound to her side and the one in her shoulder. Truthfully he met the four men that broke her years ago that night he just didn't know it then. Her mind wasn't completely free and clear of what started this spiral and now little did he know how hard he was thrusting her back into the darkness. From their first meeting he was granted a piece of knowledge but it was nothing much, would it be worth telling him the whole truth now? Would he understand? Understand why it took so much to sate her appetite? Why sometimes she had tensed at the touch? Maybe why sometimes she was the way she was?

Why do you hasten to remove anything  

which hurts your eye, while if something affects your soul  

you postpone the cure until next year?

--- Horace

--- There was deafening silence since he asked. Her eyes were no longer close but they stared directly up to the ceiling almost emptily. Her breathing increased just enough for him to notice. Ever so gently she used both hands to lift his head off her chest, never looking at him as she rolled to the side of the bed - sitting with her arms holding the edge at either side of her. Some hair covered a bit of her back tattoo, while the rest shielded a bit of her face from him. Now or never right? His timing of asking was slightly well planned with her current state but didn't mean it wouldn't come at some cost. If he thought he saw her vulnerable before he was wrong. This was closer to that level. Her voice remained low, almost defeated as she made the attempt to open a door.

"...Maverick... He.. tried to kill you in Saul's bar back in New York...that night...we met."

--- She actually struggled with words. Like she wanted to tell him but at the same time didn't. In her fog however she was already there, there was no point in stopping. But she couldn't just do it with words, would it be best to show him? She hadn't seen what was on the USB or SD card but again knowing it was from Maverick it had to be a reminder of what he - they - but mostly him had done to her. Had turned her into for a period of time before she got herself loose. In her fog she found herself getting up, going to where her bag was, picking up the phone and grabbing a small white envelope. Coming back she sat at the edge of the bed, her back still towards him as she fiddled with placing the card into her phone. Was she going to regret this? She was already feeling so much dread. She was hating how weak and fragile she was filling - it practically made her sick but for some reason her body would not listen and just moved along a broken track. Cereza paused before selecting to open the contents, her hand visibly shook even so lightly and click. There was no turning back now. A message played first the visage of Maverick showing on her screen, which she had already placed on the bed facing Austin.

"Hey little Dove, you've been really good at hiding but I wanted to give you a present to remember me by seeing as I heard you're going away for awhile. Not that you would or could ever forget us, especially me. You're still my favorite, love. Can never forget your face or the touch of your skin. The sounds you made. Already getting hot over it. You know everyone misses you right? They always ask about you. Anyways mwah, love you little Dove. I'll finally see you again when you get back."

--- Cereza kept her face turned away as everything else began to play. Seemed Maverick and company took the liberty of compiling the videos they had recorded. She didn't look at different but one could tell this was a younger her, about 15 at least. There was nothing pleasant about the video to watch. They made sure to start with how they began to break her, when she was trying her best to resist them. Austin would naturally see the other 3 that he came across their first meeting in the video at that point. Maverick was the try mastermind, the real breaker of her soul. Assuring her she could never feel the pleasure unless it was mixed with pain. Conditioning her for that. Conditioning her to go on longer than one should. The video skipped around showcasing more men at times and intimate moments solely with Maverick. A point in the video where he created those marks on her thighs and carved the M stating she was his and always would be. Another point with him she got her to say she was his and that she loved him. At this point presently Cereza had gotten up and stood in the threshold of the bathroom door with her head down and her arms folded over her abdomen. What she didn't expect in that video but she should've was the point where she allowed her close friend to die by the hands of West. You could hear them telling her that it was his fault she was there, that he didn't give a damn about her and his life was her decision. The way she turned away in the video was the answer and the gun went off taking his life. The sound of that gun still haunted her as she currently held herself tighter. Somehow she found some will to speak, still the same tone she started with, whether he was done watching or not.

"..His name was Aiden... He's.. the reason I was upset with you... that night... You forced me into that choice again.."

--- Just hearing it from the distance where she was was enough to turn her insides. She didn't need to see it. She lived it. Lived it for some time. It took a lot of effort to get her through it back then. A month of almost pure isolation, than another to work at being a person again. Curbing, ignoring the urges. Saul and Orion were the only ones that knew what happened. They tried their best to 'fix' her. It wasn't easy but she managed to crawl out just enough to live, but she was never truly living was she? She was merely surviving day by day. Maverick didn't need to torture her with his presence he was in her head exactly how he planned it. He was right, she never forgot him. In some way he was always peaking in the darker parts of herself. His goal of living in her was achieved. She hadn't ran into him or them much over the years but it was more than the fact that she was elusive, Maverick and company were just as much.

--- The memories pained her more than he knew. She could still feel everything as if it just happened. No matter what it was still fresh. The damage was done, just covered up with layers of false facades. Her back remained against the bathroom threshold, arms still wrapped around her torso - hair covering her face while the video played. She didn't need to look at him to feel the tension. She knew he was going to get angry about it. Why wouldn't he right? That was her inner conflict about telling or showing him. That he would get so angry he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't understand. The story wasn't exactly over to tell but with his aggression mounting there was sort of a wall formed she couldn't cross. Maybe she should've said something back in New York, technically she did tell him in some small capacity but yet she didn't. She didn't even know him well enough at the time to want to disclose this much to him. Austin wasn't wrong, Maverick didn't deserve to live but he was wrong in thinking that killing him would completely relieve her. He was a memory already that was what she didn't want him to be. She wished she could just forget entirely. He might not have meant to take it out on her but he had and she took it personally in her fractured state. How many times had she blamed herself anyways? Enough. Oddly it sounded like she was laughing, but a defeated like laugh shrouded with a hint of irony.

"I..I knew it...I knew you.. wouldn't understand... Of course it's my fault... I.."

--- Her voice was filled with mixed emotions. Anger, sorrow, pain. There was the faintest hint of her voice seemingly cracking. But there was no tears in her eyes, she wouldn't allow it. Not that he could see her face. The sorrow grew into more angered fueled, as her own aggression started to peak out yet she never looked up.

"..I was...so fucking stupid.... I paid for it...Did I ask for any of it? Probably... Ya know what maybe I fucking did."

--- Finally she snapped her head up, a fire lit in those grays yet there was still such a hollowness to her.

"Maybe I did ask for it all because I stupidly trusted someone who betrayed me. Who looked me dead in my face, told me I was fucking special. Tch, special, fucking bullshit! He didn't give two shits about me. I was his fucking paid debt while he ran off with the bitch he really gave a damn about...Fucking love? Love is an idiotic fickle bitch! It's not real, it's never fucking real. It's some twisted dark fantasy of a lie. It's only for those little perfect pure of heart people. While the wicked, the broken learn that it is nothing. There is nothing at the end of the stupid fucking rainbow for them. Besides who could, would even fucking love someone like me anyways right?! Ha, that's fucking laughable. Tch, not even you could or even would. I'm nothing but entertainment to you!"

--- She had been made into an instrument of entertainment by Maverick and company so she was projecting that onto him. Doubtful that was how he saw her but was in the darker parts of herself and itt was painful. Now she was the one pacing a little, finding herself close to him - not knowing when she even moved away from her spot. Doubtful she even realized that she had such a temperament but it was frightfully high. Her words were cutting daggers and the more she let the rage control her the more damaging they were. But it showed that just maybe deep down in that pit of darkness was how she saw herself unveiled.

"Promises, promises everything is always an empty fucking promise with you guys! Things you never mean. It's always the fucking same.. Ya know what I'm no fucking better ok! I let Aiden die. I chose his fucking fate, so the fuck what! Call me cruel I don't care!.. Maybe I deserved it, every bit of it! Every inch of them, every minute, every hour, every damn day for weeks! And ya know what maybe I started to fucking like it, as you could plainly see right?! Cause that's just what and who I am, right!? Just some fucking whore right?! Of course I am! What else could I fucking be?!... Fuck you Austin, I didn't ask you to slay the dragon and save me from some fucking ivory tower! I didn't ask you to be my white knight!"

--- When she cursed him out directly she gave him a little shove with by no means enough strength behind it, maybe enough to make his shoulder move a little. Oh how she was triggered badly. He didn't even say half of what she was putting out there. This all came from a deep dark place. Somewhere deep inside maybe she was regretting all her words to him. She didn't mean to flip out the way she did but everything slipped out already and she couldn't take it back. She was standing toe to toe with him at this point, visibly trembling with anger and hidden sorrow. Her eyes were the same fire but almost hollow, holding a strong sorrow behind them. Her pain had poured out in possibly the worst possible fashion, and those gray hues were betraying her teetering between regret, anger and just pure brokenness. She was a scattered mess before him. Just a bunch of puzzle pieces that needed help being put back together again. Could he understand that much despite he last words? Could he understand where it was coming from and she didn't mean it wholeheartedly? Despite her words she wanted to envelope herself in him again, but she couldn't move anymore. Frozen in place awaiting his next move. She hadn't attempted to storm out so that was a sign that she didn't want to leave despite the circumstances.

'Reza stop.'

--- Through her breakdown there was a voice trying to get through to her in her head. It sounded like her brother attempting to stop her before she caused more damage. But Cereza had managed to envelope herself in anger, pain, sorrow, regret, resentment. It was a bitter storm unleashed inside and out that it drowned out the one person who could've snapped her back. Her words had been venomous especially towards herself, she couldn't help it. She lost control. Something she normally had so down pack. She had worked so hard to build that wall, and construct the perfect mask she forgot the contents that were still behind it. The contents that lurked just waiting for the opportunity to pour out and reveal her secrets. But this wasn't how it was supposed to be. This outburst was like a tidal wave violently crashing against the rocks. This wasn't exactly her protective shield mounting a complete defense, no rather it was a shattered worn out wreck lashing out on itself and anyone before it.

"What Austin?"

--- She didn't yell, but there was still hostility in her voice as he lowly said her name. Had she been in a calmer state of mind she might've picked up on the regret in his tone or the perplexity of his actions. In the heat of the moment she couldn't fathom the reality of the situation. It almost felt like her body, her mind, her mouth just wasn't her own but yet it all was in some capacity. Everything had been buried - locked - away for so long she didn't know how to release it properly because she never truly dealt with it. She had just kept putting things into containers and sealing them away. Everything had a way of coming back like a boomerang. It was a matter if you were prepare to catch it or just get hit hard with it. Easy to say which was which here. Cereza almost shrugged his hand off her shoulder if she hadn't caught his hazel eyes locking onto hers. She managed to breathlessly mumble in some agitation something slightly audible just before he spoke.

"You're damn eyes."

--- Her resistance was all but two seconds as he pulled her in and embraced her with comfort. Instinctively her hands shot up to brace herself coming to hold against either side of his hips. He could feel the tension in her body as he held onto her. The way her breathes were uneven against the skin of his neck where her face now resided. His words were spoken basically in her ear as they were more cheek to cheek. They sounded like everything someone would want to hear and that was slightly the problem with trying to believe such things especially to someone with trust issues. Someone that has already been betrayed by such lies. Especially betrayed in the worst way possible like herself. The fire had already been lit and just as she was possibly going to lash out, she held her tongue hearing that voice truly this time.

'Enough Reza! Just listen. Everyone is not the same.'

--- Her brother's voice gave her pause as she remained in Austin's arms, though her body tension hadn't seized yet. He promised he wouldn't let her go tonight and so far he was keeping it regardless of her temperament. Her brows furrowed trying to process the moment - everything - for that matter. Slowly her constriction gradually faded but not completely. He spoke of a connection sparking that night they met that was left truly unexplored and in some part of herself she agreed. There was something there and it lingered on poking every time they ran into each other again. There was a lot of 'what if's' should one think about it. Her hands gripped at his hips as she struggled to process, struggled to keep it together again. Honestly she partly wanted to seek refuge in a nice shower. Water was always a soothing source for her. In the silence that developed his words replayed again in her mind, as she felt his heartbeat against her own. Subconsciously she dug herself more into him putting her face more in his neck, her lips brushing against his skin -no sexual intention behind it- as she spoke in a low, defeated tone once more though still with a hint of agitated behind it.

"Why.. would you want to?"

--- She paused briefly, gripping his hips once more. It almost felt like she didn't want to hear an answer whether it was good or bad. Her words and body language indicated that she was still in that low place. But in her own little way if he managed to slowly tell things about her, especially in this moment, she wasn't denying a connection between them. Maybe even thought about the 'what if' they explored it option, but she was stuck thinking the worst of herself and finding it hard to believe he could care enough for someone as damaged as her.

"...Wouldn't you prefer---"

--- She couldn't finish the question. Didn't want to herself say it. Her hands stopped gripping his waist and instead finally wrapped her arms around him, embracing him back. She really thought the worst of herself and it reared its ugly head, but what also showed in between the lines of all that was she did want something to hold on to. Something to be real enough. A sanctuary she could run to. Was it possible? Was it possible for the both of them? Maybe she wanted to know what he did think of her, maybe she didn't.